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Brad & Tanya Wedding Excursion (October 2005)
Christopher has left the country. And we're not talking Canada either. Furthermore, this was done via a cruise – Royal Caribbean's "Sovereign of the Seas." Some that know me might think that the cruise itself is enough to raise eyebrows. I don't know why. My issue is, and always has been, leaving the country. Flying is fine. Boats too. I'm not a big fan of being under the water. So tipping my canoe is extremely rare and snorkeling/SCUBA diving is out of the question. But on the water is perfectly fine.
Out of the country? Don’t wanna. Knots me all up. This has been the case for years. Long before George W. ruined U.S. relations with several countries and long before terrorism became commonplace – or at least a common fear. I guess that makes me cutting edge in a way, but I simply don't want to leave the good ol' U. S. of A. I long ago made and exception for Canada, but really… how can you not love our neighbors to the north?
I guess it was inevitable that I would someday have reason to travel beyond the borders. So last month (the last weekend of October) Kitty and I went on a Friday-Monday Caribbean cruise with a stop on Nassau. (Which is NOT the U.S. of A.) Our purpose was worthy - to witness the exchange of wedding vows between one of Kitty's cousins and his new bride. They chose a foreign country. We wanted to be there. Something had to give. (Note to single friends – don't get any ideas.)
As with many phobias, my fears may be irrational and my preconceptions unwarranted. Nevertheless, leaving the country was everything I expected it would be. Aside from a very nice beach ceremony (although windy and overcast), I found Nassau to be dirty, confusing and downright scary. I'll say this now (if not for the thousandth time), no – I do not want any t-shirts. Not even "four for $10 – special deal today." Or a hand carved walking turtle – not even at ½ the price (which I now know you would take.) And why are people driving on the wrong side of the road?!?
I did buy a trinket in the cramped open air market (if THAT makes sense), because I thought I should have something to remember my adventure. A small bamboo box, probably made in China or Taiwan – not Bahamas. There was still some sticky residue on the bottom where the country of origin sticker had been removed. I was originally quoted $12, but it was quickly on sale for $10. Its hexagonal shape was unique and I was clearly interested, but willing to walk away. I set it down and was asked what I was willing to pay – maybe $8? I said $5. A sad face that said she couldn't go below $7 got me. $7 U.S. – and get me out of here before I end up with any other trash. Let's not even talk about the $30 Kitty spent. I may not be worldly, but even I know you don't say "I love this! How much?" You may as well get out the Sharpie and write "sucka" on your forehead. Good thing I was there to stop some of the damage.
Forget the big, fancy hotel/casino on the island that I surely would have enjoyed. Just get me back to the boat without my pocket getting picked. I don't trust those cabs (or the cabbies). The Atlantis Hotel and Casino looked great from a distance – but I had no guarantees I'd survive the journey. The boat may not be America, but it was clearly more in my comfort zone than Nassau. I don't think my shoulder muscles have ever been that knotted up. Since we got back to the boat early, Kitty hit the on board gym for some cardio. I took a much needed nap to de-stress. I survived mainland non-USA. Another day and a half at sea before I can kiss U.S. soil again. Oh the pain.
Sunday was supposed to include a stop on CocoCay, a private island owned by the cruise line, for some frolicking in the clear ocean water on a white sandy beach. Due to the poor weather, we had to abort the stop and spend the day at sea. Apparently a common occurrence this time of year.
Ok – so we are stuck on the boat for the whole day. What's a vacationer to do? Ah yes – the casino. Home sweet home one might think. But leave it to a cruise line to ruin a good thing. Sure the one arm bandits are a waitin', but table games are not open until evening – craps not until 7:30! What tha …?!? With our nightly dinner seating scheduled for 8:30, this left few opportunities to throw some dice. Probably for the best since they only had ONE craps table. And let's add lame onto lame – SINGLE ODDS. Scratch casino from list of cool things on this boat.
So there I was… no casino, no land is sight, and not in the mood for a colorful rum drink available at every turn for the low, low price of about $7 including built in gratuity. We could sit by the pool, but it was so windy my hat kept blowing off. The 2 hot tubs were more like warm tubs and were each filled butt cheek to butt cheek by 6 or so women where 8 or 9 would normally fit. At one end of the pool area was a band playing just loud enough to prevent conversation without yelling and a bevy of less than attractive women plus 2 metro-sexuals doing the electric slide. Will the next song be a reggae version of Kool & the Gang’s "Celebration"? Probably not since I think the Carnival cruise line has a boat called the Celebration. Royal Caribbean would probably frown upon a possible perceived advertisement for the competition. Either way, I didn't need to find out.
Kitty decided to hit the spa for a facial. My shoulders still in knots, she convinced me to get my first ever professional massage. Anya was very nice and (with no experience to judge her by) I guess she did a good job. But overall I found the experience less therapeutic than I expected it would be. Shoulders still in knots, I turned to my home remedy. Scotch. Kitty, again, was a good girl and went to the gym for some cardio. I didn't want to ruin what I did get out of the massage so quickly even if it wasn't great.
By Sunday evening the boat was a-rockin' - but good. And I'm not talkin' music. Kitty was not pleased by this and I believe we may have the deal breaker for any proposed future cruises, which is fine with me. We're just not "cruise" people, unlike some of our fellow passengers. Ah yes… many were having a grand time. But given the preponderance of bad English, poor fashion sense, gum smacking with mouth open, and at least one mullet, I'm guessing that at least a few of them had to work some overtime so they could go on this AWESOME trip without missing a payment on their trailer. Apparently I kept missing the PBR special because I saw a lot of glossy eyes and heard a lot of slurry speech. Plus there was at least one fully exposed breast without the owner being aware of it. Think Aunt Jemima (pre-makeover) and you'll know why this was not the highlight it could have been.
To be fair, I spoke with the bride near the end of the trip and she said that each of her 2 previous cruise experiences had been better. They had both been week-long cruises, one on Carnival and one on Royal Caribbean. Better food, better weather, more enjoyable ports of call and a better um… clientele. She theorized that you have to spend more (a week instead of a weekend and NOT during the off season) to get a better cruise experience.
I don't know. I can live without the required lifeboat drill after checking in. (Room on 2nd floor and muster station on the 7th – no elevators during the drill please.) I can live without the TINY rooms that require climbing over my spouse to get into bed. (Actually I kinda liked that part, but elbow room in the shower would have been nice.) I won't miss the photographers that take your picture and try to sell it to you later for $15 per copy. Or the expensive spa, lame casino, and built in gratuities on expensive drinks. I'll also pass on doing The Hustle - poolside. Many say the food is great on cruises, but I've had better meals at Applebee's. They do have some fun activities for passengers if you know when and where to look and in retrospect I should have attended the class that teaches how to fold towels into animals. Then again, I probably didn't miss much.
Eh. Fix all that and $ for $ I'd still skip the cruise experience and go to Vegas. As my wife would say - "Really, how can anyone not love Las Vegas?" |
